I don’t know what to do with myself.

I NEED TO MEET PEOPLE. 

And I really miss church. And Ken White. And intellectual conversations.

1.) Getting second chances

2.) Busy work vs. Analytical work

3.) My best friends

4.) People who make me laugh genuinely

5.) Dancing

6.) Pep Rallies

7.) Calculus class

8.) Dad’s food

9.) My family. Most importantly.

10.) My bed

11.) Getting to make food whenever I want to

12.) Ice cream

13.) Feeling healthy

14.) Not crying everytime I can…….

I wish I’d never have to leave Cedar Park. I wish college wasn’t as frustrating and stressful as it is now. I wish college was as fun as they say. College is overrated. I don’t know how long will this depression last, but this is the point where I’m rethinking my choices. Do I really want to struggle to become a doctor? Do I really want to endure years more of education? I can’t deal with grades anymore, they are the bane of my existence. I wish grades never mattered. I wish I could just live life the way it should be —- without worries, regrets..easy. I wish I could just do mission trips around the world. Or just live in the Philippines and just see my family everyday. I don’t want to go to school anymore. I hate school. I love learning. I hate the institution which binds me. I hate how there are pre-requisites to life. How there are societal perceptions on careers, lives, hopes, dreams. I wish it was perfectly socially acceptable to say, “I just want to drift away wherever the wind takes me, and experience life as it goes.” But that’s not life. I wish it was perfectly socially acceptable to say “I juts want to be this simple girl, earning enough money to be able to live, not wanting more, just living in the midst of those she loves.” Why does it take every 3 years for me to experience this…and in only two weeks. 

Two weeks is all it took for me to see where I truly wanted to be. Where I always want to be. CDO will always be home. I miss it with all it’s components so much. 

I’ve never been this happy for the longest time. And yet it’s still bittersweet. I’ll never find something like this, and that’s the beauty of friendships.

The Colorado Mission Trip was beautiful. It was a whole lot of work. Probably the least fun mission trip but the most gratifying one. The first day we helped people with MS. It was pretty easy, actually, at first, what with all the old people talking about their lives. One guy told a story about how he can’t visit his daughters and how he really injured himself because Michael Jordan pawned him in basketball. Then we did arts and crafts with more patients, seeing more and more of their lacking in muscle control. And the lady beside kept on telling me about how her granddaughter was so beautiful, and indeed she was. Then came yoga. 

I didn’t know I could do that. It was of course, uncomfortable, very uncomfortable at first. But it was worth it afterwards. I had to move arms and legs and heads and shoulders that couldn’t be moved. I didn’t know if it hurt them, or if they didn’t feel. I was just so scared and at the same time unknowing. It was definitely a yellow zone, but I survived, and thrived. 

The second day we went to the Brother’s Redevelopment Center to paint a house. It was great and we spilled a bunch of paint, but we got it off…poor old people. The third day we went to Bessie’s Hope where I talked to a man who spoke no English and a man with severe Alzheimer’s. Another yellow zone. And then we went to the Archdiocesan Housing for some Science Magic thing and to hang out with the children. Then I got hopelessly sick. The fourth day we went to the Food Bank of the Rockies and worked hard. So hard. Or maybe it was just because I was dying. The fifth day we went to the Action Center and work was even harder. We sorted out donations in designated crates in palettes. 

Then we had our free day of what was mostly driving through the scenery. We went to the Mountain Shopping place and just sat and hung out in the lovely weather. Then we all went to Illegal Pete’s in Boulder and hung out at the University Center where we met this guy who was definitely on some form of hallucinogen as he droned on about the future of Earth. 

Then we had senior night, which wasn’t as sad as I thought it would be. I was okay. I think Jordan kind of swayed me into saying sane. The flight next morning was alright. We went around the airport looking for random things and whatnot. 

Sometimes I just wish life would just stop. Stop at the right and perfect moments. I just want it all to be okay, you know? Just work out in the end. Just being happy. Being not alone.